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It's been a year. A year since my last birthday.
A year ago, I wasn't nearly myself. I didn't care about bands or artists or genres, only what I happened to hit on that I liked. I was only just beginning to get into RPF fandom, and I wasn't writing yet. I didn't think i could write, in fact. I was a self-conscious person who only wanted to fit in. I had goals, but no dreams.
A year ago, I'd never had my heart ripped out my chest by someone I once loved. I didn't know how it felt, to have everyone stare at you for your innermost dreams. I didn't know what it meant, those "freshman-senior" crushes and their hopelessness. I had never idolized a celebrity, never had my idolization torn down. I'd never known what it was like to feel like I'd lost almost everything I'd built up in myself. I'd never cut out of emotion before. I'd never been flamed before.
A year ago, I'd never loved someone and matured past it. I'd never shown my dreams, my hopes, to anyone, never felt that objective, judging gaze. I didn't know what it was like, to have a few glances thrown my way mean everything. I'd never had an idol, and had someone to hope to grow like. I didn't know what it was like to work past a loss, and discover how things can be rebuilt. I'd never felt as emotional as I had, in those few moments. I'd never learned to stand up for myself strongly but firmly. I'd never been part of such a close-knit fandom, and made friends on the internet I would truly "trust".
It's been a year. And I wouldn't change it for anything.
A year ago, I wasn't nearly myself. I didn't care about bands or artists or genres, only what I happened to hit on that I liked. I was only just beginning to get into RPF fandom, and I wasn't writing yet. I didn't think i could write, in fact. I was a self-conscious person who only wanted to fit in. I had goals, but no dreams.
A year ago, I'd never had my heart ripped out my chest by someone I once loved. I didn't know how it felt, to have everyone stare at you for your innermost dreams. I didn't know what it meant, those "freshman-senior" crushes and their hopelessness. I had never idolized a celebrity, never had my idolization torn down. I'd never known what it was like to feel like I'd lost almost everything I'd built up in myself. I'd never cut out of emotion before. I'd never been flamed before.
A year ago, I'd never loved someone and matured past it. I'd never shown my dreams, my hopes, to anyone, never felt that objective, judging gaze. I didn't know what it was like, to have a few glances thrown my way mean everything. I'd never had an idol, and had someone to hope to grow like. I didn't know what it was like to work past a loss, and discover how things can be rebuilt. I'd never felt as emotional as I had, in those few moments. I'd never learned to stand up for myself strongly but firmly. I'd never been part of such a close-knit fandom, and made friends on the internet I would truly "trust".
It's been a year. And I wouldn't change it for anything.
